


Never Survives Contact

by bonehandledknife (ladywinter)



Category: DCU
Genre: M/M, alien dicks, batman was caught bat-handed, by superman, enter at your own risk, uhhhh, warning for alot of kinks mentioned in passing?, warning for batman being batman, ymmv
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-19 23:05:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17010873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladywinter/pseuds/bonehandledknife
Summary: For thonksgiving prompt "Clark's dick is not how Bruce imagined it." given by Moment KillerREAD THE TAGS





	Never Survives Contact

**Author's Note:**

> “No plan survives first contact with the enemy."  
> -as said more or less by Prussian military commander Helmuth van Moltke
> 
>  
> 
> ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK

Superman is an alien, Bruce knows.

This is both good for preparations… but also bad. Bruce has done the Research. And part of the research includes Think Tanks and some of those Think Tanks are online and free and full of conspiracy theorists.

Many of whom really love anime.

Bruce has seen the anime.

This only really presents a problem when he starts having heart-boners for Clark, who was raised as human, rather than ‘Superman,’ who may or may not be packing unconventional hardware in the pants direction, but the fact of which doesn’t matter. Because Bruce doesn’t have heart-boners for Superman; in fact, Bruce would like nothing so much as to stick Kryptonite in Clark’s cereal some days. Or at least during League meetings where he’s being stubborn and intractable and an all around over-trusting annoyance.

Clark, however, is a hero. Clark tries so very hard when it would have been so easy for him to just shut his ears and look away like so many average people. Clark who could just fly away to some other place in the universe, where there would be more people like him, more people with powers and abilities, settle somewhere new where all of humanity is Not His Problem.

At any rate, Bruce has Feels. Possibly even pants-feels and de-pantsing feels. For Clark-who-is-also-Superman-who-is-also-an-alien.

Bruce has Seen The Anime.

So, ok, tentacles. Would they be slimy? Or dry instead? Would he be able to thread his fingers into them? Would Clark be able to consciously control them all, simply another part of his body? Use them like another hand to palm Bruce’s cock and hold him close while Bruce is fucking into his body?

What if there’s only a slit, what if his species’ organs were reversed, what if Clark only has a vulva and the vulva are claspers and the claspers have his strength. What if Bruce needs to make specialty dildos for Clark and when Clark takes them in and comes on them he pulverizes the objects… and diamonds drip out.

What if Clark’s package is absurdly large? Ejaculates over 25% percent of his body weight like some insects, or whales, dousing everything in sight? What if it bulges Bruce out if he comes in Bruce, what if it makes a complete mess out of him, what if he finds it _delicious?_

Thing is, Bruce makes plans. Contingencies. Simulations. (And backup-plans. And alternate contingencies. And emergency simulations. Thing is, he thinks about Clark’s package a Great Deal.)

Unfortunately, Clark stumbles upon them one day. The computer files, the handwritten notes in shorthand. The Diagrams.

“Bruce. Why… why would this even matter?” Clark’s upset. Probably angry. The ‘S’ in his hair is becoming increasingly angular.

Bruce gets up from his chair and rises to his full height. Raises his chin in the way that he knows makes his ears look especially pointed and wraps his dignity about himself like a bat costume.

“I am invested in covering all possibilities.”

“All possibilities of what _my cock looks like?”_

“Yes.”

“HOW IS THAT ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS?”

Bruce firms his mouth and doesn’t look away. “I wish to make it my business.”

“YOU—” Clark catches himself, and rocks back on his heels a little, staring. “You… want to make it your business.”

“It’s relevant to my interests.”

Clark coughs, almost seeming to choke on his tongue. Swallows. “Huh.” Hazards, “And are you very adamant about your interests?”

“You know me.” Bruce says. Which is nothing but the truth.

“And you don’t let things go very easily,” Clark muses.

“If at all,” Bruce concedes, reaching over to close out of the incriminating files.

Clark catches his hand in a blur of motion.

“Show me some of these possibilities,” he says.

Bruce blinks, then smiles very slightly and lets the faintest edge of Wayne touch his amused tone. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

—

_Epilogue_

 

None of Bruce’s imaginings covered _THIS._

However he did get a ready supply of diamonds. Clark, after he’d finished being mortified, said something to the effect of ‘at least he’s able to keep Bruce in the style to which he’d been accustomed.’

  
)the end(

**Author's Note:**

> To be perfectly clear: bruce was caught bat-handed in the middle of piles of his self-written self-insert porn


End file.
